"Do I really love them?" – Untangling the Heartache of Relationship OCD
Let me set the stage…
You’re curled up with your partner on a quiet Sunday. They laugh at your joke, the coffee is just right, the moment is golden. And yet—a thought slices through like static: Do I really love them? What if this isn’t right? What if I’m just settling? And suddenly, the warmth of the moment collapses under the weight of anxiety.
Welcome to the world of Relationship OCD—a lesser-known but deeply distressing form of obsessive-compulsive disorder that fixates on the one thing most of us crave: love.
What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of OCD in which a person experiences obsessive doubts and intrusive thoughts centered around their romantic relationship. These thoughts aren’t fleeting worries or typical “cold feet” moments. They’re relentless, looping questions that demand certainty in a realm where certainty rarely exists.
Common obsessions include:
“Do I really love my partner?”
“Are we truly compatible?”
“What if I’m attracted to someone else?”
“What if I’m making a huge mistake?”
And the compulsions? They might not look like handwashing or checking locks. Instead, they can include:
Constantly analyzing feelings
Seeking reassurance from friends, therapists, or (yes) Google
Comparing the current partner to past relationships or imagined ideals
Testing oneself emotionally or sexually to “prove” attraction
Spoiler alert: the more you chase certainty, the more elusive it becomes.
But Everyone Has Doubts… Right?
Yes—relationship doubts are normal. Love is messy, layered, and sometimes confusing. But ROCD hijacks this normal uncertainty and cranks it up until it's emotionally paralyzing. Imagine questioning your love for your partner 47 times a day, every day.
Imagine analyzing their laugh, their eating habits, their grammar, their way of breathing to decide whether or not they’re “the one.”
That’s not romance. That’s torment.
The Cruel Irony
Here’s the kicker: the very thing people with ROCD often want most—a secure, loving connection—is exactly what their OCD keeps attacking. And unlike breakups or heartbreaks, ROCD doesn't care about logic. Your partner could be kind, attractive, and perfect-on-paper—and still, your mind whispers, "But are you sure?"
ROCD feeds on fear, thrives on doubt, and mocks your attempts at certainty. And the more you try to reassure yourself, the deeper you sink into the quicksand.
Why It Hurts So Much
ROCD is often dismissed or misunderstood. Well-meaning friends might say, "If you’re having doubts, maybe it’s not right." Or, "Trust your gut!"
But for someone with ROCD, the gut is a liar. The gut is a scared, spinning compass with no true north.
The result? A profound sense of guilt, confusion, and isolation. Many suffer in silence, afraid to share their thoughts for fear of seeming ungrateful, disloyal, or just plain “crazy.”
Hope is Not Lost
The good news? ROCD is treatable.
Evidence-based treatments like Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have shown strong results. These therapies help individuals face uncertainty head-on and learn to coexist with doubt, rather than being ruled by it.
It's not about achieving perfect certainty. It's about building a tolerance for the messy, beautiful ambiguity that love so often is.
A Gentle Reminder
If you or someone you love is grappling with ROCD, please know this: You are not broken. You are not heartless. And you’re not the only one who has ever wondered, “Why can’t I just feel sure?”
Love, in its truest form, isn’t a constant state of fireworks and certainty. It’s a quiet, steady choice—made in the face of fear, doubt, and imperfection.
And sometimes, the bravest kind of love is the one that says, "I'm staying. Even if my mind says run."
Want to Learn More?
If you suspect you might be experiencing ROCD, consider reaching out.
I still have spots in my 8-Week Program to Tame Obsessions and Conquer Compulsions. Take action now!
With the right support, healing is not only possible—it’s powerful.
Because love isn’t about never doubting.
It’s about not letting doubt drive the car.
